awfullybad (awfullybad) wrote,
awfullybad
awfullybad

[crackfic] Stop! You'll Scare the Kids!

Characters: Allied Forces, Canada, Japan, Austria, Lebanon
Pairings: Russia/America, France/Lebanon, UK/China
Rating: PG13
Warnings: tourettes!Dark!Kiku, an Original Character appearance,  sexual content, profanity, light violence, MORE OF CHINA'S ASS JOKES
Summery:
Seeing as it was a beatiful day in Spring, the Allied Forces have decided to spend a day at a small community park. While there, they happen to meet a singing Austria, a suicidal Canada and better yet, Japan who seems to have developed tourettes syndrome and will blurt out violent profanities.




It's funny how grown men can act like children when put into the right situation. A small park on a breezy spring day was just that situation.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" America squealed as he ran over to a big, rideable, plastic snail. He hopped on and began bouncing around as if it were a wild bison, one hand in the air and hips thrusting in a sloppy humping motion. "Hell yeah! Brings me back to the 1800's!"

"Hault! Hault before your fat arse breaks it!" An authoritive voice snapped at America who pretty much ignored it. England strolled up to America, who was peacefully enjoying his wild snail ride. "Look at you! You're still going at it! I said stop
the snail!"

America slowly came to a slow and stared at England with an expecting look. "Yeah?"

"First of all, you were speeding," the Brit began his reprimandation as he pulled a notebook from his pocket and started scribbling nonsense down. "You were clocked at seventy kilometer per hour--no! Stop that! Do NOT start up again! Bloody hell...second of all, I have reasons to believe you are riding a stolen vehicle."

"Stolen vehicle!" America scoffed. "Which sorry ass liar told you that!"

As England scribbled, his eyes darted up. "The one sprawled out naked in the lovely patch of grass behind the swing set."

"Holy hornbags!" America gasped. He lept off the snail and ran over to France. "Dude, put something on before we get arrested for real!"

France's hands were under his head and he was staring up at the soft blue sky with a dream-like expression. "America, what color is the sky?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"You know," France then chuckled softly, "I like to think of clouds as small bursts of love juice, staining the sky, a flawless cerulean bedsheet."

It took America quite some time to get a grip on what exactly France had said. It wasn't like America didn't understand the sickly suggestive language of the Frenchman, it was just that America couldn't really fathom that there was a persone fucked up enough to think about the chaste sky that way.

"Yeah, could you, like, not EVER say something like that ever ag--ouch!" America was pelted on the back of the head by rather large rock.

Hissing, he rubbed his head and looked around. He could see Russia standing on on a wodden play fort, sickeningly sweet smile on his big Russian face. He had the balls to WAVE at America and giggle, as if nothing had happened.

Then Russia opened his mouth and spewed angry flames, burning the whole park down.

Wait, that might have just been in America's mind, but all the same...

The hurting blond stomped over to the fort and folded his arms, then said in a unusually calm voice. "Hey, cracker."

Russia turned slowly to look down at the American who was glaring up at him. His smile only broadened. "Food is always on your mind, it seems."

Ignoring the ig'nant comment from Russia, America continued. "I believe this rock belongs to you. And I think it's begging to get shoved up your ass."

"America is very kinky so early in the afterno--" Russia's rock pegged him in the face. America let out a whoop of victory as Russia brought a hand to his burning cheek. "Ah, you missed."

"Missed? I nailed you dead on!!"

"But, didn't you say you wanted to insert the rock into my ass?"

America grumbled, crossed his arms and thought for a minute. "Well, find another rock so we can get something goin'."



Meanwhile, China was happily swinging. He was off in his own world as he sang Hello China in his mother tongue. Well, the first line anyway.

When he opened his eyes he spotted a blur of white. He skid his feet against the ground to slow the swinging so the blur would become more clear. As the swing slowed more and more, China made the shape out to be Shinatty.

"Shinatty!" He gasped happily. Without thinking, he lept off the swing but couldn't make the landing so he crashed into the wood chippy ground beneath him. However, China was a bamf and therefore, could easily recover from the fall. Getting right back up, he made a mad dash for Shinatty, yelling the creature's name out in jubilation. 

Shinatty heard China and his black kitty eyes were wide with fear. He took off in a sprint.

"Kitty-chan! Come here, aru!!" China cried as he chased Shinatty in cricles around the perimeter of the park.

England, who had immediantly hoped on the snail after America left and began to ride just like he had rode Spain's sorry ass so many years ago, noticed China's misconduct. "Hault! Hault! CHINESE MAN, HAULT!"

China nearly stumbled as he came to a stop, then groaned. "Why you think I will listen to a man on a snail, aru?!"

England blushed and jumped off the snail to march over to China. "This is a public park, you are not allowed to sexually harass any person or animal while standing on this propety."

"I will chase Kitty-chan to the streets, then."

"Alright--wait, no! That is still very wrong!" England let out a groan of disgust them grabbed China's wrist. "I'll have top put you behind bars."

"No, aru! Unhand me!" China swatted at the air as he was dragged across the grass and to the metal jungle gym. With England's hand still holding his wrist firmly, he stared at it. "How will I get in, aru? I cannot fit."

"Oh, you could probably squeeze through one of the holes."

"They are very small, aru!!"

"And so are you! A perfect match." With that, England began to force China into one of the small openings that was designed to be able fit ten year olds. Because China was as thin as a ten year old, it wasn't too hard. Actually, England had pushed China's torso through and managed to squeeze in the waist. It was only at the hips that there was some sort of complication.

China grunted. "Stuck. You see what you do, aru?"

"Well I can't help it if you've got an arse."

"Of course! Everyone has one, aru."

"China got a donk!" America cried out in the distance.

"Look, you're going to go in one way or another!" England persisted. He then gave China's ass a few good, hard pats to supposedly help push him through.

"Aaah! Stop that, aru! Kitty-chan has probably escaped by now, aru!!"

England backed a few steps away to exaimine the situation and brought his hand up to his chin. Well, China did seem rather stuck, and as England stared at China's arse, stuck and exposed, examining it carefully, a strange feeling overtook him. He cleared his throat.

"China?"

"What is it, aru?!"

"...Fancy a bit of cock?"



France turned to look at the beautiful Arabic nation that was lying in the grass next to him and smiled. Lebanon caught the glance and smiled back, then spokely softly, his voice coming out sensual and like velvet, "The sky is a magnificant blanket that was created to cover us during our most intimate moments."

France's eyes softened as he noticed the glimmer that surrounded the other nation, and he remained quiet to ponder on what sort of deep, romantic string of words he wanted to flow from his lips. Then it came to him. "I want to fuck you hard."

Lebanon smiled back with glossy eyes. "I know."



"A~ B~ C minor~"

America heard the lovely, gentle singing of musical keys and turned his head to see where it was coming from. He noticed Austria sitting on one of the park benches. His eyes were closed and his head was titled down as if he were alseep or deep in thought. Curious, he walked over to the Austrian.

"F~ G----~ D--~"

"Hey buddy, why ya singing?" America asked, hands in his pockets as he stood in front of the singing man.

After a few seconds, Austria slowly opened his eyes and look at at the American. Then a smile crept up his delicate looking lips. It was a smile that made America shiver, because it made America feel like he had just said the stupidest thing in the world, and Austria pitied the fool.

"I wasn't singing. I was thinking aloud."

America just blinked and tried to understand. "You were...singing in your head so you started singing aloud?"

Austria gave a small sigh of annoyance, but it was patient at the same time. "Incorrect. Those keys you heard? They are my thoughts. You think in English, that is your language of thought. I think in music."

"...so you were thinking about music so you started to sing aloud?"

Before America could further test Austria's patience, Japan came strolling up to them in a cute spring kimono.

Completely ignoring Austria, America beamed at the small Japanese fellow. "Sup, Nipster?"

Japan gave a light bow. "Hello, America-san YOU COCK MUNCHING DOUCHE BAG."

America gasped as he heard words that he didn't even think Japan could say spew from the other nation's mouth. "Dude! The hell is wrong with you?!"

Japan shook his head and frowned, looking geniunly upset with his own behavior. "I have seemed to have suddently developed tourettes syndrome and have reverted back to former state."

"...The former state being?"

"Well, I believe it is CHINA GET YOUR BITCH ASS OVER HERE SO I CAN FUCK YOU UP linked to my attitude during the 30's and 40's."

"Oh man. That's deep shit right there."

"America! I have found a big rock!" Russia waved to America from the top of the fort.

America spun around to see Russia holding a small boulder in his hand. "Daaaamn, boy. Is that gonna even fit?"

Russia only smiled in reply.

"I gotta jet. Uh, good luck with that tourettes thing!" He America dismissed himself quickly and ran off to begin pounding sweet Russian ass.

"Goodbye, America-san I BROKE YOUR DICK ONCE BEFORE RUSSIA I'LL FUCKING DO IT AGAIN. Oh, excuse me..." Japan whispered when he noticed Austria.

"A--~ G----~ Oh, it's quite alright. I was thinking to myself aloud so I really didn't catch any of that. B---~"

"Thinking aloud?"

"Yes. In key notes."

"Oh, that makes prefect sense."


Somewhere in the distance, China's screaming voice, full of ecstasy, cried out, "SHINATTY!"


"Whoa! There's someone dancing at the very top of the fort!" America gawked, boulder in hand, as he watched a seemingly drunk man sloopily dance on the small platform at the top of the tall, wooden play fort.

Russia lifted his eyes up to see. "Da. I hope he falls~ Pretty blood splatters on the ground~"

"Wait a minute...isn't that...Canada?" Sure enough, the meek Canadian was getting jiggy up there. "HEY! Bro! Get your ass down! You're gonna fall and die!" America shouted.

Canada must have heard, because he turned around and stared down at America with crazy eyes. "You never cared before, why do care now?"

His voice was barely audiable, but America caught the words. "Don't be a bitch about it, man..."

"America! Shut up you little whore!"

"...holy shit did you just--"

"I'm sick of being ignored and forgotten! I'm going to end this!" Canada walked towards the edge of the platform.

"Canada!! Chill out!" America pleased desperatly.

"But first...I will tell the world your secret."

America's heart sank and his chest suddently felt empty and cold. "...W-what?"

"You know damn well what I mean. Hey everyone!" The small voiced Canadain shouted, which wasn't an actual shout so no one except Russia and America heard. But Canada didn't care, so he continued. "America has two---"

"JUST JUMP!"

"Huh?" Canada turned his head and spotted Japan down below. "Japan?"

"DO IT, FAGGOT."

"...F-fine!!" And then the Canadian plunged to his death.

America watched with horror as his brother from another mother came crashing down. Japan looked very disappoint. Russia bit his lower lip with excitment.

But Canada landed on a small, innocent child playing on the ground below, causing his fall to break. His life was spared.

America let out a major sigh of relief. "Jeez, that was intense. Okay, where were we, Russia?"

Suddenly, Russia grabbed America's crotch, hard enough to crush the poor blond's nuts, which cause America to yelp loudly.

"Two? What of two do you have? Not penis, it seems..."

"W-Where were we before this happened?" America squeaked out.

Russia smiled and handed his American counterpart the small boulder. Then, they joined hands and skipped off into the sunset to do obscene things to each other.



England and China sat on the ground, panting.

"W-well great! Somehow...somehow we've BOTH managed to get trapped in this odd, dome jail!" England bitched.

"S-Shinatty is...is probably gone by now...!" China panted as he fell back and sprawled out, not caring if the dirt clung to his sweaty body.

"Hello England-san," Japan greeted with a bow towards England from outside the jail. "China," he greeted second in a lower voice, giving a smaller bow. Then he stared at China with crazy eyes. "You're lucky there are FUCKING METAL BARS HOLDING ME BACK."

"Go away, aru!" China cried, throwing wood chips at Japan. Most of them hit the metal and ricocheted back.

Japan started foaming at the mouth. "AND ENGLAND DONT THINK I WONT SHOVE MY FUCKING SWORD ALL THE WAY DOWN YOUR DAMN THROAT YOU FUCKING LAND WHORE--aah, excuse me..." Japan blushed and wiped the foam off with his sleeve, then kindly walked away.



Walking down the street was an average mother with her average son going to an average park. When they arrived at the average park, the average mother was utterly and psychologically disturbed. The scene before her was terrfying. A naked Englishman and a Chinese man were sitting in the jungle gym, a rabid Japanese man was running around screaming about how he would take over the world, a naked couple was cuddeling and watching clouds, another couple was doing unthinkable things with a giant rock and some fancy prick (probably a pedophile) was sitting on a bench, singing. Not to mention there was a 'dead' body lying near the fort.

With a trembling hand, the average woman pulled out her average cellphone and dialed 911.



It was about five minutes before everyone heard the police sirens. They all shrugged it off because to them, some sirens meant nothing. The call could have been for antying. However, they did all start to panic when ten (yes, ten) police cars pulled up and a horde of officers ran out and straight for the unsuspecting countries.

Then there was a mad dash. People were throwing their clothes back on, England had to seriously struggle to push China's ass OUT of the jail, Austria had tripped over a rock and had fallen, France was doging bullets, America was getting beat with a baton while Russia had melee combat with a group of officers...it was a disaster. Japan pulled out his sword and gave a shout, "BONSAII!!!" before charging into the crowd of officers who were all armed with hand guns.

When it was all said and done, everyone managed to escape, running into people's backyards, hiding in pools, diving under cars, and the only real threat had not been destroyed because hiding in one of the park trees lurked a certain Spanish pedophile.




Canada's eyes slowly opened, but not to light. No, it was very dark out when he finally regained conciousness. He lay there on his back, somehow feeling as if his body had been stepped on quite a bit while he was out of it. He didn't move, only stared up at the stars.

"Stomaches..." the Canadian whispered. "He has two stomaches..."
Tags: fanfiction
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