awfullybad (awfullybad) wrote,

[crackfic] From Idiots to the Insane


Rating: M
Warnings: Light sex scenes, sexual jokes, profanity and mild violence
Synopsis: The Allied Forces decide to rent a hotel room for a night just for the fun of it. Find out how THAT ends.

What’s the point of renting a hotel room for no good reason other than to ‘have fun’? Sure, things are fine and dandy during the day, but how can ya have late night pillow fights when you have to obey that keeping-quiet-while-others-sleep policy?
Well, someone seemed to think it would be a great idea.

America waved the hotel card key around—just because there was nothing better to do—and gave a sad little smile at the others coming in the revolving hotel doors. “Ya’ll are slow.”

“Well, if I had run off and left everyone else to carry my crap for me, I’d be ahead, too,” huffed England in his everlasting pissy voice. It would be cute if he wasn’t so serious about everything. “My god, France. We’re only staying a night; why the hell do you need all those bags?”
England observed the various bags France had piled up on the luggage cart. They weren’t big, exactly. There was one big one for clothes, obviously, China’s and Russia’s bags and various other small ones.

“Well, I needed to bring my makeup and hair accessories.”

“You’re kidding, right?”


And suddenly America burst into laughter. France and England whipped around to find Russia and China stuck in the revolving doors.
Russia was obviously trying to play mind games with China, walking one way while the smaller man walked the other. Whenever China moved in the opposite direction to try to counter Russia, Russia moved in the opposite direction right with him.

“I got this, I got this.” America waltz over to the door and it was painfully obvious he was trying to hold back any more laughter.

“Heeey, buddy, need some help?” America asked, stepping into the section of door that China was in just before Russia quickly slammed against one of the doors in order to close them off to the exit once more.

“He is awful, aru! What have I done to him this time, aru? Nothing!”

America patted China on the back and nearly knocked him over. “If Russia is causing you psychological or physical harm, that means he’s coming onto you,” America explained wisely as China continued to win Russia’s little game.


A very deranged giggle was heard from behind them and if America didn’t know better, he would assume Russia was a child predator. It was the giggle, really. Pedophiles either had really deep voices or really high pitched one—America watched C.S.I. so he totally knew everything about everything.

Baww, but that couldn’t be true because Russia was so cute that if he wasn’t so big and old he’d be perfect jailbait or something.

While America had thought up all of that, he hadn’t even notice that China managed to escape and now it was only him and Russia.

“Your turn, America~”

“No probably. You’re nothing scary. Just like…an overgrown teddy bear. One that comes to life at night and chases everyone around with a butcher’s knife…”

“Your voice is trembling.”

“Your face is trembling!” America retorted expertly as he ran towards the right, but quickly shifted to the left to try and psyche Russia out.

Russia anticipated that and pushed to the right.

“Okay, okay. Not bad,” America admitted.

Then he decided to exercise his total power by ramming the door as hard as possible so that even if Russia did force the other way, he’d be able to overpower that and win.

The funny thing is, Russia decided to do the exact same.

“He’s got the key, hasn’t he?” England realized as he tapped his foot on the ground. He looked back towards the doors to see America and Russia both on the floor, rubbing their wounded bodies and from the looks of it, yelling at each other.

England marched over there while France walked into the small hotel store and browsed through this month’s issue of Maxim. (It was for the male cologne ads, really)

“Stop flirting and get your arse over here! Did you even remember you had the keys? Probably not.”

America and Russia were both up now and they had apparently silently decided to cooperate with each other. “Key? Oh shit, where is it…?”
England’s heart sank.

“Ahaha! Just kidding I got it right here.”

“Bastard…” England sniffed and whacked America on the head.

“We will call it a tie this time, Amer—” As Russia walked into the hotel lobby, America pushed the doors against him, kind of like slamming the door in his face, causing him to fall back again.

“I always get the last laugh, ho.”

England pulled America in the direction of the elevator. When they passed the small hotel shop next to the check-in/check-out counter, England hollered, “Come on, France. Get your hand out of your pants and grab the cart.”

France chuckled—Oh the thrill of being caught in the act!—and placed the magazine back on the shelf. When he exited the shop, he noticed Russia carrying the luggage cart.

“I got this, da?” Russia replied with a smile.

France didn’t quite know what the man had in mind or why he wanted to carry the cart, but it could only mean that Russia was planning to do something sick and twisted. Yes, of course. That had to be it. Flipping his hair, France smiled as well. “I’m flattered.” With a little wiggle of the ass, he scuttled off to catch up with England and America.

“Hey are you Russian?” Nameless American citizen said after hearing the Russian’s creamy accent.

It was best to keep things simple for humans. “Da.”

“So does that mean you’re carrying a BOMB inside those bags? And guns too? Are you going to shoot this place up?”

“…No.” But continue talking and I might reconsider.

“So Call of Duty has lied to me!” The nameless citizen huffed in anger. “My life is ruined!” Then nameless citizen ran off to star in the Hetalia movie trailer.

“Hey, Russia!” America’s loud and sometimes squeaky called from down the hall. “I’m gonna press it! Better get your ass in here before I press iiiiit~! Oh dude my finger slipped and I totally just pressed it!”

As they walked towards their hotel rooms, conveniently on the eighth floor, France slipped a couple packs of soap into his pocket when they passed the maid cart. Unfortunately, the maid had just finished up and noticed the crime from her peripheral.

The old and rather wrinkly lady glared at France who was much too busy walking with the other Allies to notice he had been caught.
“I’ve been waiting all day for a punk to come by and do that! Miss, turn around this instance!”

The Allies froze. None of them spoke for a few seconds and by the end of those few seconds they could literally feel the woman’s anger.
“She’s talking to you, China,” America whispered.

“No! She was definitely referring to France,” England corrected.

France huffed. “My ass is sculpted to masculine perfection. It is China who has the lady ass.”

“Aiyaa! None of that is true, aru!”

“Oh? Well if you’d let me perform a thorough examination then perhaps we could all clear—”

A can of Febreze was launched at France and pegged him right in the head. “I know very well what you did so don’t bother yourself with hiding it! Ma’am, the right thing to would be to—Oh. You’re no woman…”

The old lady’s jaw slowly dropped and her eyes widened as France turned, showing her the flawless bone structure of his face, the rich facial hair and the dark chest hairs that were exposed by partially unbuttoned velvet top, his shimmering golden locks bouncing lightly as he turned. A sexy little smirk was playing on his rosy lips.

He gently cleared his throat, “You didn’t see anything.”

“I didn’t see anything.”

“These are not the soaps you’re looking for.”

“These are not the soaps I’m looking for.”

“China is the one with the feminine ass.”

“China is the one with the feminine ass.”

By that point, China was blushing and huffily standing by their hotel-room door with crossed arms.

Blushing too was the maid, who had torn her gaze from the beauty that was France and was slowly pushing her cart along, her mind still in that fantastic daze.

“France, that was…”

France smiled as he turned his eyes to the Englishman. “Spectacular? Dazzling?”

“Incredibly…” England closed his mouth because nothing was going to come out and he knew it. He opened his mouth again then closed it slowly, still being unable to say anything.

“You look like a fish now, love.”

“Why you—”

“Dude! The snacks here are awesome!” America cheered through a mouthful of Doritos.

“Close your bloody mouth and open the door,” England suggested.

America slipped the card key in and the light turned green. He pulled the key out and England snatched it from him. “I’m holding onto it, because I know you’d lose it.”

“Whatever,” America shrugged then pushed the door open. The smell of freshly cleaned, four star hotel room wafted around them, but something highly disturbing was in the room. “How the fff—”

“You all are so much slow!” Russia smiled at the other wide eyes Allies. Behind him was the cart, luggage completely intact and in perfect condition.

“How did you get in there? How did you manage to drag that thing AALLL the way up 8 flights of stairs—I know we got delayed but there is no freaking way!! W-we were standing outside the door for the past like, ten minutes—HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?” America squawked and sputtered.

England shoved the startled American out of the way with France following after, giving America (who had been pushed to the ground) a little kick before hopping into the room.

China was the only one kind enough to offer help but he might as well have no even lent America a hand because he couldn’t lift the man for the life of him.

“I got this, thanks though,” America huffed as he jumped up and slammed the door shut once they were all inside.

Once inside, England started unloading his clothes, insisting that even though they’d only be there for a day and a night, he’d feel better if all his clothes were neatly folded and tucked in drawers. France was in control of the bathroom, mostly because he was getting his foundation, blow dryer, body wash, cologne, chest hair curler, and god knows what else, situated on the counter.

America remained standing near the door. They had rented a joint room, meaning they basically got two rooms that were joined together on one wall via a shared door. That door could be locked for safety purposes, of course.

“Who’s alright with sleeping in the same bed as France?”


“Thought so. Okay, I call one of the beds in this room!”

“No you don’t,” England corrected quickly. He pushed the drawer shut and looked to America. “My belongings are already in here, as are France’s.”

“Oooh, sounds like you want to share a room with him, man~” America teased as England’s face turned a bit redder.

“Facts are facts. Half of his crap is already in the bathroom so…”

“Fine, fine. If you insist on denying and if you insist on refusing to be generous and share a bed with someone…Russia and I can sleep in the next room and China can sleep on the floor or something.”

A couple gasps were heard and China muttered, “That’s racist, aru.”

“It would be good to save space by sleeping in the same bed,” Russia suggested and there was something in his voice was sounded like some sort of sick pleasure and it gave America a boner.

“Uuuuh, hey, I don’t think that’s gonna be a good idea.”

“Yes it is.” Russia grabbed the luggage cart and pushed it forward. It careened towards America and the blond dove onto the bed in order to save himself. “Fucking psycho! Psycho Communist! My god, did you guys see him try to kill me?!”

The cart slammed against the door loudly. Russia only giggled, “Oops!”

Everyone ignored America’s yelling. China grabbed his bag and headed into the other room, giving America a bitter little glare as he walked passed with the swagger of an angry queer, his slender butt moving with the motion of his hips.

“I kinda see what you mean now, France,” America observed as he stared.

France smiled. “France knows best when it comes to these things~”

“Dat ass,” Rich Boy concurred.

Russia grabbed his luggage as well as America’s wrist. “Which side of the bed do you like best,” he asked as he dragged America into the other room.

America wanted to replay with a, ‘side that’s furthest from the door’ but instead said, “Doesn’t matter.”

“In that case, I will put you closest to the door, da?”

“Yeah, perfect.”

After settling into the room, which took longer than one would think it would, they decided to head down to the spa. Pools, hot tubs, saunas and free massages. What could be better?

While America ran around the pool and got yelled at a good few times for doing so, England, France , and China decided to relax in the Jacuzzi.

Something about being in a hot tub with two delicious looking men made France rather horny. Instead of molesting anyone just yet, he scooted closer to China and whispered, “I know a way for you to regain your masculinity.”

China looked up at him with cautious eyes but it was obvious that he was interested. “What is it, aru?”

France smiled and leaned even closer, but not before giving a certain Brit a quick glance. “You must dominate England in bed.” China gasped. France only chuckled and continued, “First, seduce him.”

“I-I couldn’t, aru…” China whispered back.

“China, you have the curves that could stop moving traffic. Go for it.”

China bit his lower lip in hesitation. It really wasn’t right for his friends to think that he was feminine so he knew that eventually he’d have to regain his masculinity somehow.

“I’ll do it, aru.”

“Wonderful!” France gave China a small ass squeeze (for encouragement, of course…) and let the Chinese man work his magic, a magic known as Asian Seduction.

China slipped passed France and took a seat on the Jacuzzi bench rather close to England, invading his personal bubble completely. He purred, “It’s hot in here, isn’t it?”

England looked over, a little surprised to see that suddenly China was uncomfortably close to him—their hips were touching—and France looking off into the distance with feigned innocence. “Yes, you well, the point of a Jacuzzi is to be extremely wa—” England stopped when he felt China’s hand wrap around his shoulder.

“Do you know what I make my Sims do in the hot tub, aru?” China’s eyes were glossy and they captivated England with their sensuality. He felt himself growing more and more nervous—and was that China’s hand he felt brushing up his thigh?
“W-what do you make them do?” He asked after swallowing.

China leaned in, his lips almost pressing into England’s neck. “Woohoo,” he whispered, his warm breath making England’s skin prickle.
It was too much. England was NOT about to get it on with China—it just didn’t feel right. Sure, they both had an erection (China’s was pressing against England hip, you see) but that by no means meant that he was ready to take the guy, or be taken, considering China was being sexually intimidating just then.

England laughed nervously and hastily pushed China off. It wasn’t a shove and England did try to be polite about it, but how polite could you be when there was a horny man spreading your legs apart in a hot tub?

“I-I’m going to get a massage!” England said loudly, hopping out of the Jacuzzi and stumbling off to the massage room while trying to hide his honkin’ boner.

China sat, defeated. Well, that sure as hell went well. Even though the water was steaming, he couldn’t help but feel cold on the inside. It was almost as if his pride had been crushed. Oh wait, it had been.

The he felt two hairy arms wrap around his waist and his body be pulled into France’s and then something large and pert poke him in his butt. Oh…he knew what that was…

“Shall we put your growing arousal and promiscuous little mood to good use?” France purred into his ear.

China shrugged. France was no Shinatty, but it would work for now.

“America, that’s not so nice,” Russia said with a smile as America repeatedly slapped him on the head with a long, peach colored, foamy noodle.

“Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?” America started poking Russia in the face with the tip of the noodle.

“You really like to test me, don’t y—Ah! My eye, America…” The noodle had slipped and got Russia in the eye, causing it to tear up immensely. The Russian brought a hand up to cover the eye.

“Oh, my bad. You okay?” Something like concern hung on America’s words as he floated over to where Russia was standing.

Yes, Russia could stand at the deep end of the poor without drowning because the water was only about six feet deep. That was pretty cool since he was the only one who could do that, but America wasn’t going to say that aloud.

Russia was still rubbing his eye when America got there. “Oh come on, you big baby. It’s seriously not that ba—”

Russia shoved America’s head under water, completely taking the reckless nation by surprise. When America popped back up, gasping and wheezing for breath, Russia only smiled.

“What the fuck is your deal, man?! You wanna kill me? Do it like a man! Drowning is for puss—”

Once again, Russia shoved America’s face in the water, but this time America had grabbed onto Russia and brought him down with him.
The life guard had just left due to shift change so there was really no one around to stop them so they continued killing each other.

After a while, Russia and America released each other and America took the opportunity to hop out and run for the sauna in order to run away from the blood thirsty Russian (though he had told himself it was to lure Russia into a small area in order to trap him).

The massage room was very relaxing. There were no lights, just candles, very lovely smelling candles, something like lavender. Soft music was emitted from every corner of the dimly lit room. England felt so peaceful and relaxed in the tranquil atmosphere that he nearly forgot about the fiasco that went down in the hot tub.

Then a slim man walked out from behind a door to greet England. He was wearing something that looked like a kimono only not as heavy or elegant.

England stood up. “Japan.”

“England-san, I did not expect to see you here. I am pleased, however. You wish for a massage, yes?” Japan asked in his soft voice as he floated over to England.

“Are you the one who’s going to be performing it?” England asked, his interest in getting a massage suddenly growing.

“Yes. Follow me~” Japan said with a flash of something devilishly mischievous in his eyes. England didn’t see that, however, and he most eagerly followed Japan into a private massage room.


“Aniki, Aniki!”

China screamed. Not because France was pounding him into the side of the hot tub, but because he was so sure he heard Korea’s voice.

“Aniki! Aniki! What is this? So scandalous, da ze!”

China opened his eyes and aside from seeing a panting, thrusting France, he spotted Korea dressed in a disgustingly cute life guard outfit with the little inner tube and all. China started telling himself that this was all a good dream gone bad, and that any second Korea would disappear and things would be all better again.

“Let me join!” Korea jumped into the hot tub as if there was nothing weird about the situation.

“No! No, aru! Stop! Leave me alone, aru!”

“D-don’t yell that, you sound like you’re getting raped…They’ll try to arrest me again…” France grunted uneasily.

“Aniki, the water is hot!”

“Hurry up, France,” China hissed, fearing that Korea would actually taint his precious asshole this time.

“Aniki, I’m a virgin, da ze…Where does this go?”

Something jabbed China in the ear.

“AIYAA! Get that out of there, aru!!”

“Aniki why isn’t this fun like everyone says! Aniki, I want to do what France is doing, da ze~!” Korea thrust his hips in frustration, causing him to practically fuck China in the ear.

China stopped caring because at that instance he climaxed and France soon followed, because both of them knew they might as well let it rip since Korea had ruined any chances of a long sex session that they had.

“Why did you both scream? Aniki, did something break!?” Korea grabbed China and pulled him free of France’s wang.

France laughed through a worn out yet satisfied sigh and leaned against the side of the Jacuzzi to rest.

China panted and didn’t bother to stop Korea from fanning him with a stolen Japanese paper fan. The cool air felt good, especially since the heat of the water and the heat of the sex were starting to make him dizzy.

“It’s hilarious when I imagine the facial expression of the lucky guest who mistakes our sex fluids for foam.”

But it was too late because Korea was already innocently splashing about in it.


Arthur was lying on his stomach, swimming trunks off and replaced by a white towel around his waist. Japan was standing by the massage table and explaining the routine they’d go through.

“I will work down starting from the shoulder. My main focus will be on relaxing the tense shoulder muscles and any other points of stiffness that you detect. From the shoulder I will make a quick trail down your back and then give the hips a quick visit. To finish it off, I will apply repeated slaps to the buttocks.”

England shot up. “Repeated slaps to the buttocks?”

“I am gentle.”

“W-well yes, but that just seems a bit…oh, it’s probably just me. Alright, begin when you are ready.” England lowered back down to his stomach. This shouldn’t be too awkward, should it?

“Hai. Can I get you to take a deep breath then exhale slowly?”

“Oh, right.” England inhaled deeply, filling his lungs to the brim with rich oxygen infused with candle smoke. Then he exhaled as Japan lubricated his hands for the massage.

England closed his eyes and not too long after did he feel Japan’s skilled hands get to work on his shoulder. As Japan pressed and rubbed, England felt a friction on his loin again. He groaned, trying to ignore it.

“Is everything okay?” Japan asked, noticing the noise. His fingers gently wrapped around the base of England’s neck.

England bit his lip. “Yes, fantastic. You are gifted, Japan.”

“I would not give myself that much credit, but if you insist, England-san…thank you.”

England must have dosed off, because the next thing he knew, Japan’s hands were rubbing circles into England’s hip and England’s little solider was definitely at attention once more.

“I am nearing the end,” Japan warned.

“Take all the time you need,” England said in a smaller voice than he would have liked.

The movement on England’s hip died as did the contact Japan’s hands had with his body. England assumed this was because Japan was preparing for the ass slapping fest, but England knew his assumption was dead wrong when he felt something splendidly warm and soft pres against his thighs and his butt. Japan, who was somehow naked now (when did that happen?), had crawled onto an equally naked England (when did his towel disappear?) and was straddling him.

“My god, Japan…”

“This is part of my special Erotic Massage services. To be honest, you are the only one to have his sort of treatment. Feel privileged, England-san.”

“I think my dick says it all, Japan.”


“Can you breathe well, America?”

“H-hell yeah,” the blonde panted. “Why don’t you add some of that coal lookin’ shit? I can handle another…another fifty degrees…But look at you, you whale. You’re practically dying…!”

“Not…dying…!” Russia laughed painfully. “Just…so hot…feels nice…like a very, very hot green house…”

“Flowers die in too much heat, man…Not that I think you’re a beautiful flower or anything because that would be gay…” Even though the glistening sweat made Russia’s muscular frame all that more attractive.

Russia only smiled knowingly.

They ended up in that situation because Russia had chased America into the sauna and it was America’s smart idea to challenge Russia to an endurance match. America knew something though. He knew that at times like these, where the good guy and bad guy were both in the sauna together, one would lock the other in. It was usually the bad guy that locked the good guy in, like how it happened in Superman! (Or something like that).

America’s only choice was to lock Russia in the sauna and save himself. The Commie was probably plotting t do the same exact thing, so America had to be the first act. Jumping up and startling Russia in the process, America ran out of the sauna and glued the door shut with Hubba Bubba gum and a blow dryer.

“MacGyver aint got jack SHIT on me!” America cheered triumphantly. Then, feeling sticky, he headed for the showers.

Towel (and Korea’s arm) around his shoulders, China glared at the floor. For some awful reason, Korea had dragged China out of the hot tub and started to perform a very unnecessary CPR. Shortly into it, China had slapped Korea multiple times.

France drifted over to the wall that China and Korea we resting against. He threw his wet locks back and out of his face before giving China somewhat of an apologetic smile.

China looked up at him. “I’m going back to the hotel room, aru. My ear and butt hurt.”

France extended a hand to help China up while Korea only whimpered. “Aniki don’t leave me! You have to help me practice to get it right!”
“You have duty, aru!” China’s voice snapped, causing Korea to smile and carry his cute little butt back to his post.
“Can you walk?” France purred. “Do you need me to carry you~?”

“I am fine, aru. I have regained my masculinity and now I must keep it.” China’s voice was thick with determination and pride. France could sense the emotion and he gave the shorter nation a nod of approval as they both strode out of the pool room, France wearing nothing and China rockin’ a Hello Kitty bikini bottom—the true epitome of manliness, they were.

The water beat down on America’s body and he ran a hand through his soaked hair. “It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrimgfhgh,” he sang. Well, if that could be considered singing. It was more like singing a well known line of a well known song then letting your voice fade out after that well known line was over, but whatever.

“dffgdfhghghfjdfj the eeeeyyeeeeee------of the tigeeer!”

Then the curtain of the shower stall was pulled back and America turned, prepared to castrate the Peeping Tom, even if America did have to admit that he had a killer bod that was worth peeping at.

But it wasn’t a strange peeping Tom, it was Russia.

Russia?! How did that monster break out of the sauna that was expertly sealed?!

“America, you like playing these hide-n-seek games, da?” Russia’s voice was sickeningly sweet as he stepped into the stall and closed the curtain behind him.

America squeaked with delight but quickly put on an angry face and pretended to be distressed. “You godless Commie, I will punch you in the gut until you die. Then I’ll get a zombie machine to bring you back to life so I can do it all over again.”
“Do you want to continue to play or should we end the game here and now?” Russia inched closer as his voice became deeper, thicker, more threatening.

A pleasant shiver ran through America’s entire being. God, Russia was so sexy and dangerous looking and, and…

America had to keep up his façade just a bit longer. “Hey, back off man! You remember what happened last time you messed with me—” And then he was slammed up against the shower wall, America’s body pressed up against the wall and Russia’s pressed into America’s.

Then Russia traced America’s jaw line with his fingers, quite a gentle gesture given the situation they were in. “So cute when you think you are intimidat—”

It was America’s turn to dominate. He pushed Russia back into the other wall and immediately forced the other nation into a feverish kiss. He wrapped his legs around Russia’s and gave a satisfied gasp into the kiss when he felt Russia’s hands cup his ass.

From then their hot make out slash fondling session continued with major tongue in mouth action and lots of squeezing and moaning.

It was nearing six ‘o clock when England returned to the hotel room. France was watching a soap opera on the television while China, Russia and America were nowhere to be found. “Where are the others?” Then to answer his own question, “Pissing around, probably.”

France didn’t take his eyes off the tv screen. “China is taking a hot bubble bath. We Internet searched, and apparently hot baths help anal fissures to heal better.”

“Do I even want to know why he has an anal fissure?”

France’s only response was a smile. Yep, England definitely didn’t want to know why now.

England, worn out, walked over the bed that France was not lying on naked and let out a sigh. It felt good to be on a bed, especially since massage tables were quite uncomfortable after a few hours.

It was then that France looked over to England. He saw the hickeys, the bite marks, the bruises. He also noticed that England’s trunks had disappeared and instead he had a white towel around his waist.

“Japan did you well, I see.”

England’s flushed. “H-how did you know?” It wasn’t totally out of the realm of logic for France to have somehow developed the ability to determine who you had sex with based on love marks. Maybe he could tell by scent, too.

“You have, well…” France cleared his throat, “two tiny stickers of the Japanese flag…on top of your nipples.”
England looked down at his chest. “Oh, I sure do.”

Then England’s cell phone began singing. The ringtone was the theme song to some crazy British children’s cartoon that would melt the brain of any non-British person who dared watch it.

“Kirkland speaking.”

“If your refrigerator running?”

That was voice was definitely America’s, and judging by the slurs and how overly stupid he sounded, he was drunk.

“…America, is that you?”

“Well then you’d better go catch it, ahaha!”

America hung up, leaving England to stare at the phone, distraught and just plain disappointed.

Then there was knock on the door. England got off the bed to tend to it. Looking through the peep hole, he could see America, barely able to keep enough balance to stand. Yep, definitely drunk.

England opened the door, saying nothing and just staring at other blond.

Instead of walking in, America stood in the doorway. “Heeey…you wanna see my—hic--WMD…?”

“Does it involve you taking off your pants?”


“Then no.”

England shut the door in the stunned America’s face, and England doubted America would even have been able to react quick enough to prevent himself from being locked out. Besides, England was angry with America. The kid had gotten drunk and hadn’t invited England? Outrageous! But having wild sex with Japan might just have been worth it.

A few seconds later, England pulled the door back open. It would not be a good idea to leave America outside, he could do something stupid and they could all get in trouble. Outside, America was licking the wall.

England grabbed his arm and pulled him into the room. Once he released America, the kid tumbled to the floor. England ignored the loud noise and hoped no one below would hear it.

“Where is Russia? Something tells me you’d know. Is he drunk as well? Where the hell did you get the drinks from, anyway?”
“Hello, hello? Baby you called, I can’t hear a thing!”

“Oh, shut the hell up.” England gave America a shove before walking to the window to gaze at pigeons.

“Fraaaance…you’re naked,” America noticed as he crawled over to the bed France was lying on and peered over the mattress.

“So are you.”

“I am? I am?” America gasped and look at his fully clothed body in wonderment.

“Ha! I got you! I got you!”


America and France turned their heads with their jaws dropped and an ‘oh no you DIDn’t’ expression on their faces.

China walked out of the bathroom in a red bath robe. “Aiyaa…still sore, but getting better.”

Then a bubbling sound was heard from the bathroom, like there was something wonky going on with the pipes. Everyone else was either too busy or too drunk to notice the noise, but China heard it. He turned around to investigate
He concluded that the noise was definitely coming from the tub. He walked back into the bathroom. And then he screamed.

“Russia! What you doing in the bath?!” China backed up against the sink, wondering if he was imaging all of this. He had just got out of there and Russia wasn’t in there so how did he magically appear like that?!

Russia smiled. “Is it strange for me to be in here?”

“Yes! Yes it is!”

“Who the hell are you talking to, China?” England walked to the bathroom, and France gave him a little slap to the ass as he passed the TV. England only grunted in reply.

“Russia appeared in the bath just now…” China slipped out of the bathroom to meet England in the room.

“Why am I not surprised?” England only sighed. “Russia, get out of there.”

Russia stepped out of the tub and smiled down at China. “You shed a lot.”

Blushing, the Chinese man ran a hand through his long, damp hair self-consciously.

“Oh, I didn’t mean from up there.”

“What’s for dinner?!” America yelled from the bed.

“You’re not getting any! We’re not going to let you have any,” England told him.

“Buuuuuuuuuuuuull shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

After hearing America’s voice, Russia immediately pushed passed China and England and tackled America on the bed.

“Can’t even stay off each other for five minutes!” England gave up and walked over to the phone—placed between France’s bed and the bed that the two sex monsters were biting and scratching each other on—to order room service for dinner.

After shuffling through a drawer for the menu, England picked up the phone.

“Hello, I’d like to order a meal. Ah, yes, let’s see…” He looked over the menu. It was filled with incredibly fancy French food for some awful reason. “…Well, I think I’ll—Gah! France, DO NOT pinch my arse! Oh, terribly sorry about that…where was I? Yes, right, I’d like the chef’s special for five. Yes, that’s it. Alright then.”

Instead of hanging up the phone, England smacked France in the head with it. “What the bloody hell is your problem? I was ordering!”
France smiled and gave England a sexy little wink. “Aren’t you horny? America and Russia are tearing it up right next to you.”

Now that England thought about it, the moaning and screaming WAS getting rather loud and sexually arousing.

“N-no, not at all. You pervert…” England mumbled and pushed Francis to the other side of the bed so he could relax. “Don’t try anything.”
“I won’t~” purred the Frenchman.

China was feeling rather awkward so he decided to blow dry his hair with a fan that he had brought into the bathroom. Where he got the fan? No one knew. He probably made it out of thin air, though.

England rested his head against the plush pillow and closed his eyes, putting his body at risk, but it just felt so good to chill like that.
Things were going fine for England—France was obviously distracted by the soap opera he was watching, but then England felt something land on his face. It wasn’t wet or warm or sticky, so he was thankful for that at least, but when he opened his eyes, there was darkness.

Something was covering his face, something cloth-like.

He pulled whatever it was off his face and looked at it.

Staring back at him were adorable little Hello Kitty faces on a small pair of underwear. “Okay, who threw this?” England’s voice was rather calm now.

“Russia did!”

“America’s sin.”

England slowly turned to the ‘couple’ and completely ignored the fact that he could see Russia’s thick wang penetrating America’s entrance and then America’s trouser snake doing the same for Russia—wait how the hell does that even work….?

“Which one of you threw China’s underwear on my face?”

There was a knock on the door, causing England’s heart to sink. He jumped off the bed. “You two, knock it off!!”

“Whaaaat. S’not like he couln’t hear us from like, a MILE away. I’m surprised people aint sent in complaints yet.”

England threw a pillow at America and walked to the door to retrieve the food. “No, no, I can carry the tray just fine—yes, thank you.”

England quickly kicked the door shut when the large platter with the five different dishes on it was safely in his hands. He set the tray on the desk in the corner. “I’m not eating while you two are doing that, so finish up.”

“Dude, there’s blood on the bed now,” America laughed at that fact after he orgamsed.

“And semen too!” Russia joined in with a giggle.

“My god, you’re both so immature,” England hissed. “France, put some clothes on. I can’t eat if I have to look at you naked.”

“Aiyaa!!” China screamed from in the bathroom.

“Wow, China. That sounded kind of…pained. Are you alright?” England walked to the bathroom. When he opened the door, he saw that

China’s hair was caught in the fan. “Oh, fabulous.”

While England helped free China, America walked over to the food. “Whoa, thanks guys!”

“That’s not ALL for just YOU,” France rolled his eyes.

“Oh. Dude, is China screaming? What da fuck is England doing to him?”

“Some say that England is magical,” France began. “He talks to strange, imaginary creatures, he has spell books, his cock is unusually pink, but there is also something else they say. Would you like know what that thing is, America?”

“…who is ‘they’?”

“They? They is they.”

“I don’t—I don’t get it.”

“What isn’t there to get?”

“I mean, like, who is they? They is a group of people, right?”


“A group is made up of individuals so I mean…who are these people…?”

“America, how would you like my tongue up your---”

“We got it!” England announced with relief from the bathroom. “He’s free! The hair is free, everyone!”

“Bon appetite!” France cheered.

“Wait! You never told me what they say!”

“Well, whose fault is that, America?”

“Let’s just eat,” England suggested as he came up to the table. “We’ve all had hardcore buttsex today, so I’m sure we’re all hungry.”
No one could disagree.

The rest of the day carried on like it normally would when the Allies were all together in a rather small room. Later that night, they had started a naked pillow fight but were quieted by the hotel manager after he received several complaints about the noise. So instead they all went to the local bar and got shit faced, then returned to the hotel at 3 in the morning and got fussed at some more.

Then it came time for them to check out the next morning. America wanted to have a bit of fun before they left so when they entered the lobby, he hopped onto a luggage rack and started to ride it around the hotel.

Everyone joined in. Before long they were speeding around the lobby and crashing into random people just for the shits and giggles. That is, until they got yelled at again.

As they walked out, America and China were very cautious of the revolving doors. They made sure Russia was out in the parking lot before they even got close to the door.

“That was pretty fun!” America laughed as they walked to the Alliesmobile. “I think my bone is jutting out of arm from that last fall, but it sure was epic!”

“Yes, I suppose that was rather entertaining. I’ll have to see if Japan works at any other massage places…” England said mostly to himself.
France stopped. “Ah, it looks as if someone is rummaging through our trunk doesn’t it? Oooh, that sounded naughty.”

But he was right. There was definitely someone near their vehicle and the lid to the trunk was definitely up.

They ran over there, fearing that someone was trying to break into their prized, crime fighting automobile.

But when they got to the van, they were relieved to see that it was…

“Canada?” France gasped. “What are you doing here? And why are you putting your luggage into the rear of my van—Oh, this is going to sound naughty too.”

“Yeah, what’s the deal, bro?” America asked.

Canada looked down and blushed a bit. He bit his lower lip gently, as if he wanted to say something but was either too shy or too nervous to. Then after a moment he looked up at them. “Oh, well, you see…you guys hadn’t noticed, but…I was with you all the entire time.”
Tags: fanfiction

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