awfullybad (awfullybad) wrote,
awfullybad
awfullybad

WWII Meets Chuck E. Cheese

" Warning! Crack fic ahead! Enter at your own risk!!

Rating: P13, bitches.
Summery:
What is childhood good for other than fueling pedophilia and shotacon?

Being a kid is exciting and fun. If you were bored, you could easily find something to do. You made up your own games rather than play overpriced games that nerds made. Some of your best and most treasured memories were created during your childhood.

You want to go back to feeling like a child. To not caring about relationships or school or life at all.  Let me take you back to a spot in childhood that I hope everyone has experienced--a trip to Chuck E. Cheese through the eyes of the (adult) Allies and Axis Powers.



"This is Captain Jones, requesting lift off."

"Right'o."

In the cockpit of 'Space Shuttle Apollo 250' sat an overly enthusiastic Alfred F. Jones and his not-as-enthusiastic-but-more-excited-than-normal partner, Arthur Kirkland.

"Cockland, Imma need a computer reading before take off," Jones requested.

"Kirkland, not Cockland."

"Um, Huston, we're havin some issues here. Cockland is refusing to give me the reading."

"I'll give you the bloody reading!" Arthur rolled his eyes and started clicking away at the side of the plastic fortress they were in, as if a computer was positioned there or something. "Computer is giving me the OK."

Alfred brought an invisible mic to his lips once again. "We're all set. Am I clear for take off?"

"Permission granted," Arthur replied.

"Swee--wait. You've been Huston this whole time?"

"Just roll with it, Jones. Roll with it."

"OKAY, I AM STARTING THE COUNTDOWN," Alfred announced excitedly.

"Understood!"

"I AM STARTING THE COUNTDOWN NOW."

"Carry on~!"

"COUNTDOWN IS BEING START--"

"For fuck's sake...10!" Arthur took the liberty to kick things off.

"9!"

"8!"

"7!"

"6!"

"Awww, fuck it--Imma take this bitch into space NOW!" Alfred mashed the imaginary 'launch' button and let out a triumph woot that resembled the strange sex noises of a Japanese Ronald McDonald.


Meanwhile, Feliciano was having a bit of trouble.

See, he invited Ludwig to play the game where you aim the water gun at the target which would propel a Barbie doll up towards a bell. Whoever hit the bell first, won.

"Ludwig, Ludwig. How do I play?"

"Well," The German cleared his powerful throat, "you aim this dangerous weapon at the doll. Aim it right at her face. Do you see the doll?"

"Aah, no. Oh!  Is that it?"

"Yes. Alright, so once you have your high powered, rapid firing gun aimed at the victim, get it locked onto her face until the war buzzer sounds. Once it sounds, you know you have destroyed the enemy."

"Oh! Sounds fun!" Feliciano smiled as he took a hold of the handles on his 'rapid firing gun.'

They both pressed the button and the game began. Ludwig was grunting as he murdered the Barbie's face with the small jet stream of water and Feliciano was smiling as he managed to spray everywhere except at the doll.

It was after a few seconds that Ludwig realized they were playing the game wrong. He blushed as he conceded defeat, "Maybe...maybe we're supposed to be aiming at those targets below the dolls..."

"Huh? Did you say something, Ludwig?" Feliciano turned his body to face the German and it just so happened that when he turned his body, he turned his gun.

Needless to say, the water pelted the fine blond. Roaring in surprise, Ludwig covered his face with his hand and stumbled backwards.

"Oh! Ludwig! I'm sorry!" the Italian wiggled helplessly as the water continued to shoot at his butt buddy.

Back towards the center of the arcade, Ivan was trying to decide which game to play. He thought Whack-A-Mole seemed fun because he could maliciously pound innocent creatures in the head with a large object of sorts. He would name each of the moles~ One would be Edaurd, one would be Raivis, one would be Toris and the rest would be Alfred.

Giggling to himself, he happily trotted over to the game, completely over looking the horrific scene that was going on with the Axis duo.

As he trotted, he passed the plastic castle that Arthur and Alfred were playing space travel in. He noticed Alfred was pounding on the glass, shouting and looking straight at Ivan.

"Yeeeah! Who's in space now, bitch?! Your jealous ass gonna be crying later!!"

The Russian smiled because he faintly heard the American's smack talk.

Fuck it, he'd name all the moles after Alfred.

Meanwhile, Yao was sitting in the dining/theater part of the arcade. He was trying to enjoy cardboard quality pizza with Kiku while they watched funny robotic characters dance and sing on stage. To be honest, they were rather frightening.

"Yaoi, how has your day been?" Kiku asked politely.

Yao glanced at him quickly. "What did you call me, aru?"

Kiku looked startled. "Yao. I called you by your name, Yao."

"Aaiyoo! I heard something different, aru~ It was probably just my hearing failing me for a second there, aru!"

The curtains closed as an awkward silence befell the two Azns. Then, when the curtains reopened all the Chuck E. Cheese creatures were gone and instead, Shinatty was in the center of the stage.

Yao's jaw dropped and he stared at the gorgeous monster of a cat.

Kiku developed a look of disgust and nervously dumped salt onto his pizza until it was a small mound. Then he opened his mouth wide and ate the slice whole, salt and everything.

Yao jumped out of his chair. God, he could get NAKED for Shinatty! He ran up the stairs to the stage and onto the platform. "Shinarry, aru~!" He cried blissfully as he jumped at Shinatty.

However, Shinatty didn't catch him and Yao fell to the floor with a thud.

Instead, Shinatty began to dirty dance against a pole that had conveniently appeared in the center of the stage.

By this point, Kiku was dumping the entire contents of the salt shaker into his mouth.

Francis was naked, but what's news? He was happily bathing in a pool of colorful balls. Not human balls, but plastic balls, of course...

He had a wonderful glass of grape soda (it was all they had there) in his hand and a porno in his other. Currently, he was wondering how America's ass fit through the opening to the play fort.


"Ludwig! That game was scary I dont want to play anymore!" Feliciano had a towel and was kindly wiping the German's face dry.

Ludwig began to wonder if there was a single game they could play that his Italian bed partner couldn't destory or harm anyone with on accident. One would assume it would easy to figure out, after all, a arcade built for kids MUST be relativly safe, right?

Ludwig had to rack his brain. Well, there was always the game where the light jumped around to different bulbs and you had to mash a bigger button to make it stop; whatever number bulb it stopped on, you got that many tickets.

Of course! Feliciano couldn't possible go wrong with that.

"Follow me," Ludwig instructed as he lead the Italian over to the harmless game.

BONK! BONK BONK BONK!

That noise caught Feliciano's attention! He looked around and spotted Ivan enthusiastically smashing the heads of small brown creatures. Gasping in horror, Feliciano ran over there. "What are you doing! They'll die!!!!"

Ivan was in the zone so he really didn't hear Feliciano. Ludwig, however, sighed and marched over there. "Listen Feliciano, they aren't real."

"What are they?" The shorter man asked inquisitively.

"Moles."

"Do they belong to Austria?" the Italian asked innocently.

"...Vat? No! Oh, god, no!" Ludwig gasped in horror. "Not that kind of mole!!"

Ivan's machine was shitting out tickets by the second and he was getting hornier and hornier. He dropped the mallet to the ground as he breathed heavily and deeply. A sinister smiling creeping upon his lips, he made his way over to the 'space shuttle.' Meanwhile, Ludwig dragged Feli over to the safe game, despite how much the kid protested that he wanted to 'smash Austria's moles.'


Kiku ran out of the theater area so fast he nearly flew into the soda fountain. In what looked like a blind rage, he ripped the top off and started scooping handfuls of soda into his mouth and chugging it quicker than he could chug semen.

Yao, feeling dejected after Shinatty denied him a hug, broke out in some sick Chinese rap wile Shinatty made up some phat beats.

"Yo, yo, yo, aru! What name is on they back of yo shit? 'Made in China' that's it, aru! So next time yall wanna blast my Communism, remember that MY SHIT IS REAAAAL, aru!"



"Intruder!" Arthur hollered to an oblivious Alfred.

Jerking around to face the entrance of the shuttle, Alfred spotted a giant alien life form of sorts. "Alien! Oh my god an alien! Bring out the alien blastor guns!!"

"Alfred," Ivan said in a low growl.

"It knows my name!! It knows my name!"

Arthur frantically searched the small area for equipment that wasn't there.

"Alfred, come over here and let Mother hurt you good."

"Whoooa, this alien is coming onto me, Cockland."

Aruthur began to zap Ivan with an imaginary laser gun. "It's not working! Equipment malfunction!! Bloody hell!"

Ivan grabbed Arthur and threw him out of the 'shuttle.'


Arthur slide down the various tubes of the castle of sorts and landed in the pit of colorful balls.

"Ah, bonjour, mon cheri~"

"Sod off! There is an aggressive alien up there and from the sounds of it, he's eating my partner alive!" Arthur noted as he mistook Alfred's cries of pleasure for cries of pain.

Francis threw a ball at Arthur's face. Arthur blinked. "What the bloody hell was that for?!"

"Balls in your face."

"Excuse me?"

"Let me put my ouioui in your nonnon-hole."

Arthur thought for a moment. Should he have sex with the hairy Frenchman in a pit of balls that children would mostly likely be frolicking in the next day?

"I'm not Spain."

With that, the pissy Brit strutted out of the pit and left Francis to wonder how Ivan's ass fit through the opening to the play fort.


Matthew was playing air hockey all by himself because no one really noticed him. That didn't matter because he was so damn good at air hockey that he could play an intense, heated game with himself.

"Let me play, bitch." Kumajiro suggested as he walked up to the table.

"Only if you can tell me my name," Matt huffed.

"You're...." Kumajiro was stumped.

"Aha! You can't do it, can you?" the Canadian pouted bitterly. "Well then you're no--"

"You are Matthew Williams. Some people consider you Alfred's brother. Some even consider you his twin brother. Other don't think you are related. Most people agree that you are Francis's or Arthur's son of sorts. People like to make you top Alfred for some god awful reason."

Matthew stared at Kumijiro and was much too stunned to speak. "...t-that wasn't supposed to happen."

"Stop whining and start up a new game."


Huffily, Arthur decided that since Alfred was probably dead and that he didn't want to have get semen all over children's toys, he might as well wash up and get some pizza.

As he was heading for the bathroom, a speeding Kiku rushed passed and ran into the restroom. Kiku practically flew into the wall but quickly stopped himself and tore off his pants and underwear faster than he would if there was a naked man within ten feet of him.

Ludwig was very pleased to see that Feliciano was doing quite well at the button mashing, blinking lights game! All the flashing lights must have stimulated his senses and caused his brain to work or something.

"Ludwig! Look at all the tickets!" Feli exclaimed as he munched a piece of pizza that he held in one hand and smashed the button his other.

"Wunderbar!" Ludwig exclaimed as he slid more tokens into the machine.

"Ludwig, can you get me a drink? I'll keep winning lots while you're gone!"

Ludwig gave the cute Italian a salute as he headed for the soft drink fountain. Odd, there were puddles of soda all over the floor and the top to the machine was missing....


Matthew made a run for it. Kumajiro had just informed him that the American police were onto him and were heading to Chuck E. Cheese to arrest him for the copious amounts of pot he had lying around his house. Frantically, he hopped onto a small motorbike looking vehicle, the kind that little kids would be forced to pretend to ride so parents could take pictures.

Hitting the gas, Matthew floored it. Well, he would have if it were real. "They'll never get me!"

Drink in hand, Ludwig walked back to Feliciano only to find a giant pile of tickets and no Itaian boy to be seen.

"...."

Then, a hand emerged from the pile of tickets. Slowly, Feliciano pulled himself out of the lump and gasped for breath. "Ludwig!" He cried. "It broke! I was so good that I broke it! It wont stop making tick--" he fell back into the pile of ticket because hundreds more where shooting out of the machine each minute.

Ludwig dropped the drink and dramatically ran over to his lover.

"Feliciano!" He cried as he stared in horror at the massive piles of tickets.

There was no reply; not even a sound came from the buried Italian. Ludwig knew what he must then do. Taking a deep breath, he dove into the treacherous heap of tickets.

When Arthur got out of the bathroom, Kiku still wasn't done pissing.

Sighing, the Englishman took a seat where Kiku and Yao previously had. There were still some slices left on the pan so he took one and bit into it.

"This...is quite good!" He noted as the pizza melted into cardboard tasting goodness in his mouth.

Yao got bored with rapping so he hopped off the stage and decided to go and play a game. But which one? Yao could hear some strange form of sex going on from somewhere within the play fort, Francis was inside the ball pit so that definitely wasn't safe, Matthew looked like he was crazily trying to run his pretend motorcycle into a wall, Kiku was still pissing and Ludwig and Feliciano were no where to be found.

So Yao decided to play the in game in which you throw balls at an incline with different holes in it and depending on which hole the ball fell into determined how many points you got.

Meanwhile, Francis was wondering why so many games involved balls and holes.

Yao was doing fine. He was racking up a good number of tickets until something strange happened. As he was about to throw another ball, a small creature emerged from one of the holes. It was---

"Kitty-chan!" Yao cried in surprise as a miniature, Japanese!Hello Kitty looked him in the eyes. "Oh, but Kitty-chan...your mouth is gone, aru~!" Even so, Yao thought this was all quite wonderful until the cat started throwing balls at him.

"Kitty-chan! Stop it, aru~!" He cried as he shielded his body from being pelted by very solid balls. He took off in a desperate sprint to safety.


"URAHHH!" Ludwig grunted as he heroically lifted him and Feliciano out of the mass of tickets. He set the dazed Feliciano on the ground and quickly sprung into action, for he knew it would happen again if he didn't stop the machine. He kicked the machine harshly, so harshly that it sounded like it hurt. Still, Ludwig persevered and continued to kick the machine as it slowly began to die.

Just then, the battle cry of a sexy Japanese man was heard and in the blink of an eye, Kiku had whipped out his sword and sliced the machine into 16746813 different equal pieces.

Ludwig let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you, Kiku."

"Hai," was all he said along with a small bow.

"Ludwig, Ludwig!" The Italian, now perfectly conscious, cried out excitedly. "Let's buy prizes with all these tickets!"


"Aaah, it's stuck," Ivan grunted.

"Because it's so damn big," Alfred replied.

The Russian squirmed. "It was fine when I came in, but now it won't let me leave..."

"Like I said, you're really big."

"Alfred...did you make the hole shrink?"

Alfred gawked at him. "How would I be able to do that? It's all because of your child bearing hips."

Ivan squirmed some more and panted and maybe even grunted here and there.

Francis was starting to wonder why he had a boner even though they were only talking Ivan getting stuck in the entrance to the fort.

Matthew hopped off the motorcycle and dove into the ball pit, too scared to notice Francis. He did notice him however, when he felt something warm brush against his hip.

"Matthew~" Francis purred.

Matthew wheezed. "I-I don't have any!"

"Don't have any what?"

"A-am I in prison?"

"A prisoner to love? Maybe~ Do I captivate you?"

Matthew wheezes. "I didn't do it! I didn't have any! I-It was...a doctor prescription herbal remedy!!"

"The more you resist, the hotter I burn for you~"

Matthew gasped. He knew the only way to save himself was to fake a suicide. He plunged down into the pit of balls.

"Okay, I'll pull," Alfred suggested as he took hand of Ivan's hands. Then a pattern was created; Alfred pulled, Ivan wiggled and they both panted and grunted.

"H-harder?"

"Da, harder!!"

"Unnngggh!"

"It's coming! I can feel it coming~!"

"Great!" Alfred panted.

"Just a bit harder!"

As they both let out a long, drawn out moangrunt of sorts, Ivan broke free and they both toppled to the ground.

Francis sniffled and sipped his grape soda.


"Kiku!" Yao huffed as he stormed over to the Japanese man. "Your Kitty-chan tried to hurt me, aru~!"

"Perhaps Kitty-chan has a reason to want to break your face," Kiku replied calmly as he sipped a cup of green tea and watched a little program on one of the arcade's TVs.

"Aiyooo! What you meaning by that, aru?!"

"I am only advocating for Hello Kitty. None of my personal feelings are involved in what I'm saying, and I'm saying that perhaps there's a good reason why Hello Kitty wanted to watch you bleed and die."

Yao was quite horrified. "Why would Kitty-chan do that? What reason does she have, aru?"

"Every reason."


"Alfred!" Arthur gasped as he spotted the man who he believed was eaten alive by a Russian alien. He ran over to the table the two were seated at. "My god, I thought you were dead!" He glanced over at Ivan. "And you have tamed the alien life form?"

"Had sex with it, too."

Arthur slapped his partner on the back proudly. "Good job, my boy!"

"Word," Alfred grinned then started shoving his face full with pizza.

Arthur was strangely turned on by that, but was distracted because he felt someonthing tapping his leg.

Turning around, he saw no one. "That's odd--"

"Mutha fuckaaaaaaaaa!"

Arthur's eye widened as he looked down and spotted Tony.

"Another alien life form!" He gasped.

"Biiiiitch, I'll cut you UP, YEEEEEEEE!" Tony threw up his arms in a gangsterish manner.

Arthur rolled his eyes. "This one is quite the prick, and to be honest, I cant understand most of what he's saying."

"Limey ho."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, trick."

"What the bloody hell are you talking about? Alfred, do you hear this beast?"

"Imnmngg hthinkmmnngfffhh he'smnhhgfghdf funny!"

"Now I can't understand you!"

"You wanna go?" The alien continued to harass, which was a good distraction because Ivan had just started to lick pizza sauce off Alfred's face.

"Go? No, I dont think I'd like to go anywhere with y--"

"Mmmmn. Talkin' smack."

"Do you realize that nothing you say makes sense?"

Tony made a peace sign. "I'm out."

Before he could walk out, hop into his Escalade and go clubin', one of Arthur's unicorns smashed in through the roof and started beating the crap out of Tony.

Arthur was the only one who saw this, though.


Ludwig looked around. Hadn't Feliciano been right next to him just a second ago? Where on earth was he now...


Yao had pressured Kiku into talking with Hello Kitty to try and calm her down and prevent her from hurting the Chinese man any further.

"Herro Kitty," Kiku greeted with a slight bow.

Hello Kitty didn't speak, she merely twirled around.

"It seems our plans have failed. Next time, however, I except you to do it right the first time."

Hello Kitty bobbed her head from side to side.

"Wakarimasuka?"

Hello Kitty pulled out a tiny machine gun from behind her back and Kiku smiled.



It was so odd. Francis couldn't find Matthew. Logically speaking, there was really no way for Matthew to evade France like that. Even if did see France, balls were not like water where one could swim freely and easily away from danger. And besides, France could lunge pretty well.

Tired of failing to find his future sex toy, he stepped out of the ball pit still naked. Then he started to wonder why the place was beginning to fill with smoke.

Feliciano ran out of the kitchen and started sobbing. "LUDWIG! LUDWIG!"

Ludwig caught the panicking Italian in his arms. "W-what happened? Why is there smoke everywhere?!"

"I-I-I-I was cooking pasta a-a-and a stove EXPLODED! WAAAAAAH!"

"W-what? It exploded?!"

"It's all on FIREEEE!"

Ludwig knew what he had to do. He ran back over to the water gun game. But...he hadn't any tokens!

"Quick!! SOMEONE GET ME SOME TOKENS!!"

Yao, who had been content with playing pinball in the corner, spun around. "Over here, aru!" He pulled a few coins from his pocket and threw them across the room, launching them at Germany.

But they weren't going to make it because Yao was all the way on the other side of the room! Both Ludwig and Yao gawked in horror as the coins began to fall towards the floor in slow motion.

Kiku quickly ran towards the coins and dove with his sword out, letting them ricochet off the flat side of his weapon. That was enough a push to send the coins flying back towards Ludwig. Now the only thing left was to catch them!

Ludwig extended his arm, opened his fist and clenched his teeth as he golden coins appeared above his head. When he thought he had them, he closed his fist and shut his eyes.

A few seconds passed and Yao and Kiku both stared intensely at Ludwig, waiting for an answer. All around them, smoke consumed the room and mini fires were beginning to spread.

Ludwig opened his fist, looked in his hand and...

Victory!!

Quickly, he popped the coins into the machine and started up the game. He sprayed that stream of water at the target so passionately and furiously, he was sweating. (Or maybe it was because the place was burning to the ground.)

Then, he reached the top and the buzzer sounded. Everyone mistook this for the much needed fire alarm and began to dash for the exit.

In the panic, Arthur frantically hopped on his unicorn as the creature pranced to safety. Tony jumped on Alfred's back and Alfred jumped on Ivan's back. One of Francis' chest hairs caught fire and he desperately tried to put it out as he stumbled to the doors. Ludwig carried a sobbing Feliciano bridal style as he charged for the escape.

Yao was running to the exit when Hello Kitty tripped him and he toppled over. "Aah!"

Kiku stopped to turn around and see his neighbor on the ground, unable to move.

"G-go on without me, aru!"

Kiku thought for a moment. He could let Yao die here and get what he wanted but...did he really want Yao to die? Did he really want it to end like this?

"No, Yaoi."

"W-what did you call me?"



Everyone was safety outside. All they could do was look back at the burning building in sorrow and horror. Felicino randomly searched through his bag of prizes and pulled out a mini lava lamp. That could keep him occupied for hours.

"Where are Kiku and Yao?!" Ludwig gasped once he realized they were missing.

Everyone looked intensely at the collapsing building but there were no Asians to be found.

Feliciano was close to tears. "I don't want Kiku to die..."

Arthur looked down sadly. "Who...who am I going to argue with over opium now?"

France cried. Not because Yao, but because of his singed chest hairs.

Silence befell the group, until suddenly...

"Look!" Feliciano piped up excitedly, pointing to the entrance.

There was Kiku, carrying Yao on his back and emerging from the burning building.

Everyone cheered. But then the building exploded and Kiku and Yao were sent flying.

They both smashed into the ground and rolled over to where their friends were.

"KIKUUUU!" Feliciano cried and wrapped his arms around his panting friend, pulling him into a tight hug. Japan was too tired to care.

"You okay, man?" Alfred asked as he knelled down.

Yao stared up at the the sky. "Yes..." He sat up and looked over at Kiku who looked back at him. They didn't say anything, but Yao smiled and Kiku's eyes softened a bit and that was enough for both of them.


The eight of them walked off, their childhood memory of Chuck E. Cheese burning away behind them. Would they ever forget? No, but sometimes it's true that the more you long for the past, the more depressed you become.

"Sooo," Alfred started. "Wanna get shit faced?"

"Oh, bloody fuck yes!"

"Oui! I have a sorrow that needs drowning..."

"Daa~ I'll drink lots of vodka so we can have fun later~"

"I suppose I could use it, aru..."

"Hai. Thank you, America-san, for so kindly suggesting such a wonderful idea."

"Yes! After all that, I can definitely down ten beers or so!"

"Ludwig, Ludwig!! This lava lamp tastes really good!"


****

Matthew opened his eyes slowly. His head was heavy and fuzzy.

"Uggghh..." he groaned. "W-where am I? Did I...die?"

"We're gonna go to Candy Mountain~!"

"Yeeeeeeeeah~!"

And it was then that Matthew realized that the bottom of the ball pit lead to an alternate universe.

"...Fuck."
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